Today you are having the best time of your life, celebrating the day you were brought into planet earth, alongside your loved ones. A year passes by and you live long enough to meet what was today a year ago and see how things have gone downhill exponentially from a year ago. You’d have never thought it’d go to this extent a year ago. Snippets from what was one of the best days of your life start coming forth as you frown upon the agony you’re currently living through. That’s your life now.
Maybe I have a tumor embedded in my parietal and occipital lobes.
Maybe you’re just an illusion created by my tumor.
Waiting to cause a cerebral hemorrhage.
I woke up on a Sunday morn thinking of the nice things that could be done with you, with Rachael Yamagata playin’ on the turntable. The things that I’d want to do with no one but you. I was picturing us in the kitchen making flapjacks for breakfast when suddenly I Wish You Love played and it hit me that you and I could never ever be.
Cursed is what I am.
If only you’d know how pathological you are.
For years I have been imprisoned by the thought of you.
And for years you have failed to acknowledge that.
Being free is what I desire.
Free from the curse of you.
Worthless is what people make of me.
I have no one but myself to fall back on.
Who am I kidding? The only feeling anyone could ever have for me is repulsion.
I now know.
I gave a special occasion speech earlier this morning during my Public Speaking class. My speech was under the category of farewell titled; Bidding Adieu.
“Growing up I came across with people whom I used to term my best friends. The intervals between one best friend to another or a group were big, which means I was in a friendship for quite some time before moving on to another friendships. Being a girl, you would get sentimental and lame when it comes to your best friends. You would tell each other that we would be friends till the end of time. Before you know it, there’s always a shortcoming in your friendship that you just cannot overlook and eventually breaks the bond that you had promised to hold dear for life.
The thing about the people with XX chromosomes is that they get envious over the most petty thing ever. Now I am not trying to give myself credit, but jealousy is simply not in my vocabulary. I cannot fathom jealousy. Ever. A simple jealousy which turned into a repugnant green eyed monster once ruined a friendship of mine. My so called best friend was envious of my academic performance and she thought I was trying to beat her ’cause she was always better than me in school until I decided to take matters into hand. That was the end of our five year friendship. Like I said, petty.
However, this particular friendship I had with a group of what used to be amazing people just recently ended. This bond I had with the girls was the one I treasured the most. The one I wished never would break. But, it did. It’s funny how you can go from wanting to be there when each and every one of you is conferred a bachelor’s degree to, I quote; You need me and my kind when you get sued. With that kind of attitude it’s going to be more than once. For now, mind your own business. And you thought to yourself, whoa! How did we get here? What went wrong? What happened to your problem is ours and ours is yours?
Now what happened between me and the aforementioned beings was not due to jealousy. Our lives and differences finally got the best of us. We just grew apart and before you know it, sue threats have been reciprocated. Change is inevitable and something that every living being has to go through, but you change for the better, not for the worse. I guess to them maintaining a facade that is doomed to end is pivotal than treasuring a nine year friendship or sisterhood as we used to call it.
Just like Hitler, our friendship has gone under the sod. Regardless of what happened between us, I will forever appreciate whatever those people have done for me. May all the things told in confidence be buried along with our years of friendship. With this, I bid adieu.” -Ikha
Buzz off is what I never want to say to you.
Buzz off, you should never from my head.
Buzz off, you must never from my heart.
Buzz off, I don’t ever want you to.
Buzz off, you don’t.
Buzz off. Never.