It’s funny how all these years we have been breathing in the same air and living under the same sky, the same laws, going to the same places, walking the same paths, eating the same food, but never once encountered one another after our last. Never once didn’t I anticipate our future encounter every time I left the threshold of my home. I wonder if you did the same.
Wishes, goals, ambitions, etc. Everyone has one or two. I do too. My long time goals are sounding more generic and backbreaking as the day passes. I now wish I was born as a traditional Mongolian or a Tibetan living amongst the cold mountains going about life as how practiced by my ancestors. Not having to worry about getting a college degree or paying the bills where ignorance is bliss, literally. The only way I’d get a glimpse of the 21st century technology driven life is through the talks of the backpackers visiting our home. Imagine the worry less life I’d live if I was one of them. Perpetual happiness.
Today you are having the best time of your life, celebrating the day you were brought into planet earth, alongside your loved ones. A year passes by and you live long enough to meet what was today a year ago and see how things have gone downhill exponentially from a year ago. You’d have never thought it’d go to this extent a year ago. Snippets from what was one of the best days of your life start coming forth as you frown upon the agony you’re currently living through. That’s your life now.
Maybe I have a tumor embedded in my parietal and occipital lobes.
Maybe you’re just an illusion created by my tumor.
Waiting to cause a cerebral hemorrhage.
I woke up on a Sunday morn thinking of the nice things that could be done with you, with Rachael Yamagata playin’ on the turntable. The things that I’d want to do with no one but you. I was picturing us in the kitchen making flapjacks for breakfast when suddenly I Wish You Love played and it hit me that you and I could never ever be.
Cursed is what I am.
If only you’d know how pathological you are.
For years I have been imprisoned by the thought of you.
And for years you have failed to acknowledge that.
Being free is what I desire.
Free from the curse of you.
Worthless is what people make of me.
I have no one but myself to fall back on.
Who am I kidding? The only feeling anyone could ever have for me is repulsion.
I now know.