I have cried the most this year. I have been heartbroken the most this year. So much so a big portion of my heart has calcified. Figuratively and not literally. I no longer want to fill the pages with agony and sadness. Indeed, everyone has their own destined Rizq. And I shall hold onto this and remain placid.
Why should I suffer the consequences of other people’s poor decision making?
All these limitations in life.
To do this demanding thing called living.
Am I even cut out for this thing that every human being does?
Because I seem to fall short in, if not many, an aspect of everything.
I spent so much time thinking of ways to solve problems.
Problems of my parents.
Problems of my siblings.
Problems of my beloved confidants.
Problems of mine.
But so little time is spent by the aforementioned beings for the sake of me.
Then one day, I finally asked myself “why bother?”
“Think of a happy place” was something that was always jokingly said by Tess to herself when we were kids whenever I teasingly said something that’d hurt her kid feelings. I never really thought about the real meaning of it until I became an adult. It doesn’t really make you feel better. It just makes you want to go back to that particular time when everything was swell. Going through hardships countless of times doesn’t make you better at dealing them. There’s no such thing as getting used to it. It only debilitates you, to the point where you don’t even want to deal with it anymore. ‘Cos you’ve lost the will to do anything. The park in the photo doesn’t represent my “happy place”. It just takes me back to that afternoon when I went strolling around the park, enjoying the Fall with Tess, going about how we were lucky to be given the opportunity to visit other parts of the world. Thinking maybe this was the silver lining behind what felt like the longest predicament that was clouding our lives. Just how many clouds do we need to fly through to finally experience infinite happiness?
I had pretty solid goals up until the last couple of semesters of my undergrad. I was put into a realization where none of the goals I had was going to happen. Ever since, I pretty much have nothing to look forward to in life, not even my first job (if I’m lucky enough to land myself one). I’ve never felt this empty in my life, ever. I feel like the last four years of my life were nothing but a complete sham. I constantly get anxious thinking of my blurry future, so anxious that I’d developed gastritis. My body perpetually goes into the fight and flight mode, my heart rate increases, blood pools at the vessels around my face, I’d sweat profusely like I’d just competed in a marathon. I wake up everyday feeling worried and sad. My brain never sleeps. I don’t sleep. I keep brainstorming. Trying to figure out any hidden talents I may possess which would be of any use. Browsing the net looking for jobs that would require the knowledge I’d acquired from my overpriced tertiary education. And all anyone would ask is if I managed to get hired by any company. No one bothers to ask if I was doing well. If I was feeling okay. The funny thing is, I’d just recently completed my internship. I’m not even done with school yet. The average period of unemployment for fresh graduates is 6 months and I’m already being pestered as to when I’d get myself a job. I don’t think I can keep up with this fast paced life anymore. I never had a pause in my life. Right after high school, I went straight to college to do my foundation studies. A year and a month later, I started the first semester of my undergrad studies. Three years, three months and six days later, I’m being asked as to when I’d start working. I just want to take a break. From everything. I want to live a day without worrying about all of this. I wish there was an off button for my brain and a pause button for my life.