I have cried the most this year. I have been heartbroken the most this year. So much so a big portion of my heart has calcified. Figuratively and not literally. I no longer want to fill the pages with agony and sadness. Indeed, everyone has their own destined Rizq. And I shall hold onto this and remain placid.
He now exists
amongst the cells
in my hippocampus.
What if. What if we hadn’t met? What if we didn’t know of each other’s existence? What if we hadn’t shared? What if we hadn’t got to know each other? We wouldn’t have been wondering a lot. Wondering if the other person feels the same as you do. Wondering if maybe, all of this had no depth to begin with.
We wouldn’t have wasted so much energy and time taking a journey that never had a direction. Doing and saying things for the sake of doing and saying things. Feeling confused when we didn’t have to in the first place.
And what if we had met much later in our lives? Would things have turned out differently? Would things have been better? Would we have been in the know? In the know of what our feelings would be.
So much wondering has been done. And so many “we” have been used. Without realizing that I was the only one wondering. The only one asking questions. Wanting to know the answer. Wanting to be in the know. Wanting to stop the confusion. Just me. Not you. Because you’re already wondering about someone else.
You were my muse for the longest time.
You are always going to be until I find another.
That is if I find another.
If my presence is so god-awful
you oughta slit my carotid artery
and leave me bleed to my demise.
If only burr holes could relieve the hypothetical increased intracranial pressure due to severe overthinking.
I spent so much time thinking of ways to solve problems.
Problems of my parents.
Problems of my siblings.
Problems of my beloved confidants.
Problems of mine.
But so little time is spent by the aforementioned beings for the sake of me.
Then one day, I finally asked myself “why bother?”