If only burr holes could relieve the hypothetical increased intracranial pressure due to severe overthinking.
I sat at the dining table one afternoon drinking tea, contemplating on whether I should read or watch another episode of Grey’s Anatomy. My father who was in the vicinity had suddenly asked me a question, a particular question he hadn’t asked for the longest time. He asked if I would still be interested in doing Medicine if he was able to pay for the whole course in the near future. Of course I would still be interested, I told him. That particular dream of mine may have not been brought up around the house for quite some time now, but it has definitely never died. Now I’m not saying that he’s planted hopes in my hopeless heart. I was just glad that he hadn’t forgotten about what I have always aspired to become; a surgeon. They say good things come to those who wait. Maybe I haven’t waited long enough or maybe this wasn’t a good thing to begin with.
I spent so much time thinking of ways to solve problems.
Problems of my parents.
Problems of my siblings.
Problems of my beloved confidants.
Problems of mine.
But so little time is spent by the aforementioned beings for the sake of me.
Then one day, I finally asked myself “why bother?”
You find yourself at the beach, basking in the sun whilst admiring the waves and the sand in your slippers. Strolling through thinking of the person you’re dying to share this moment with. The person who crosses your mind whenever an event takes place. While the said person wishes for you to not think of him in such manner. Because he feels burdened to be thought of as someone important to you. Because the feelings are simply not mutual. Then you tell yourself that this particular person who has been the subject of all your rants, thoughts, and shit doesn’t even exist in here and now, only in the literary world as a substance of each entry.
I wonder if you know that all this while, you have been the subject of my rants, thoughts, and shit. Well, thoughts mostly though.
“Think of a happy place” was something that was always jokingly said by Tess to herself when we were kids whenever I teasingly said something that’d hurt her kid feelings. I never really thought about the real meaning of it until I became an adult. It doesn’t really make you feel better. It just makes you want to go back to that particular time when everything was swell. Going through hardships countless of times doesn’t make you better at dealing them. There’s no such thing as getting used to it. It only debilitates you, to the point where you don’t even want to deal with it anymore. ‘Cos you’ve lost the will to do anything. The park in the photo doesn’t represent my “happy place”. It just takes me back to that afternoon when I went strolling around the park, enjoying the Fall with Tess, going about how we were lucky to be given the opportunity to visit other parts of the world. Thinking maybe this was the silver lining behind what felt like the longest predicament that was clouding our lives. Just how many clouds do we need to fly through to finally experience infinite happiness?
I had pretty solid goals up until the last couple of semesters of my undergrad. I was put into a realization where none of the goals I had was going to happen. Ever since, I pretty much have nothing to look forward to in life, not even my first job (if I’m lucky enough to land myself one). I’ve never felt this empty in my life, ever. I feel like the last four years of my life were nothing but a complete sham. I constantly get anxious thinking of my blurry future, so anxious that I’d developed gastritis. My body perpetually goes into the fight and flight mode, my heart rate increases, blood pools at the vessels around my face, I’d sweat profusely like I’d just competed in a marathon. I wake up everyday feeling worried and sad. My brain never sleeps. I don’t sleep. I keep brainstorming. Trying to figure out any hidden talents I may possess which would be of any use. Browsing the net looking for jobs that would require the knowledge I’d acquired from my overpriced tertiary education. And all anyone would ask is if I managed to get hired by any company. No one bothers to ask if I was doing well. If I was feeling okay. The funny thing is, I’d just recently completed my internship. I’m not even done with school yet. The average period of unemployment for fresh graduates is 6 months and I’m already being pestered as to when I’d get myself a job. I don’t think I can keep up with this fast paced life anymore. I never had a pause in my life. Right after high school, I went straight to college to do my foundation studies. A year and a month later, I started the first semester of my undergrad studies. Three years, three months and six days later, I’m being asked as to when I’d start working. I just want to take a break. From everything. I want to live a day without worrying about all of this. I wish there was an off button for my brain and a pause button for my life.