I used to only have great things to say about you. Beautiful words such as incandescent, becoming, and charming crossed my mind at the thought of you. Now I can only think of rather unfavorable terms like uncertain, inconsistent, and clueless. It saddens me to finally see the kind of person you’ve always been and not the person that was beautifully painted in my heart.
You come and go
as you please
that you are.
What is it
Who is it
Whenever something good happens, I always ponder upon the day it ends. How will I feel then? How will I be then? Will I still be the same person as before it happened? Or will there be a void in me that needs to be filled? It’s always so sweet and short, this good thing. A momentary bliss. The last time it happened to me was years ago. I sometimes long for that particular day. Wishing I could relive it even just for a day. I hadn’t expected it to happen, but it did. For that, I am eternally grateful. Because if it didn’t, I wouldn’t have met a pretty rad being who has inspired me so much over the years. I hope to experience something similar in the near future, something good. But this time, I’d appreciate it if it happens for the long run.
Sometimes you meet someone, but you’re not meant to get to know them. Standing opposite of each other in the MRT en route to god knows where. Sharing a moment so brief yet so deep without uttering a single word. A moment that feels like forever until the other person gets off the next immediate stop. Inconspicuously exchanging the final we-are-never-going-to-cross-each-other’s-path-again glances. But who’s to know for sure?
He now exists
amongst the cells
in my hippocampus.
What if. What if we hadn’t met? What if we didn’t know of each other’s existence? What if we hadn’t shared? What if we hadn’t got to know each other? We wouldn’t have been wondering a lot. Wondering if the other person feels the same as you do. Wondering if maybe, all of this had no depth to begin with.
We wouldn’t have wasted so much energy and time taking a journey that never had a direction. Doing and saying things for the sake of doing and saying things. Feeling confused when we didn’t have to in the first place.
And what if we had met much later in our lives? Would things have turned out differently? Would things have been better? Would we have been in the know? In the know of what our feelings would be.
So much wondering has been done. And so many “we” have been used. Without realizing that I was the only one wondering. The only one asking questions. Wanting to know the answer. Wanting to be in the know. Wanting to stop the confusion. Just me. Not you. Because you’re already wondering about someone else.
You were my muse for the longest time.
You are always going to be until I find another.
That is if I find another.