If only burr holes could relieve the hypothetical increased intracranial pressure due to severe overthinking.
I spent so much time thinking of ways to solve problems.
Problems of my parents.
Problems of my siblings.
Problems of my beloved confidants.
Problems of mine.
But so little time is spent by the aforementioned beings for the sake of me.
Then one day, I finally asked myself “why bother?”
“Think of a happy place” was something that was always jokingly said by Tess to herself when we were kids whenever I teasingly said something that’d hurt her kid feelings. I never really thought about the real meaning of it until I became an adult. It doesn’t really make you feel better. It just makes you want to go back to that particular time when everything was swell. Going through hardships countless of times doesn’t make you better at dealing them. There’s no such thing as getting used to it. It only debilitates you, to the point where you don’t even want to deal with it anymore. ‘Cos you’ve lost the will to do anything. The park in the photo doesn’t represent my “happy place”. It just takes me back to that afternoon when I went strolling around the park, enjoying the Fall with Tess, going about how we were lucky to be given the opportunity to visit other parts of the world. Thinking maybe this was the silver lining behind what felt like the longest predicament that was clouding our lives. Just how many clouds do we need to fly through to finally experience infinite happiness?
I had pretty solid goals up until the last couple of semesters of my undergrad. I was put into a realization where none of the goals I had was going to happen. Ever since, I pretty much have nothing to look forward to in life, not even my first job (if I’m lucky enough to land myself one). I’ve never felt this empty in my life, ever. I feel like the last four years of my life were nothing but a complete sham. I constantly get anxious thinking of my blurry future, so anxious that I’d developed gastritis. My body perpetually goes into the fight and flight mode, my heart rate increases, blood pools at the vessels around my face, I’d sweat profusely like I’d just competed in a marathon. I wake up everyday feeling worried and sad. My brain never sleeps. I don’t sleep. I keep brainstorming. Trying to figure out any hidden talents I may possess which would be of any use. Browsing the net looking for jobs that would require the knowledge I’d acquired from my overpriced tertiary education. And all anyone would ask is if I managed to get hired by any company. No one bothers to ask if I was doing well. If I was feeling okay. The funny thing is, I’d just recently completed my internship. I’m not even done with school yet. The average period of unemployment for fresh graduates is 6 months and I’m already being pestered as to when I’d get myself a job. I don’t think I can keep up with this fast paced life anymore. I never had a pause in my life. Right after high school, I went straight to college to do my foundation studies. A year and a month later, I started the first semester of my undergrad studies. Three years, three months and six days later, I’m being asked as to when I’d start working. I just want to take a break. From everything. I want to live a day without worrying about all of this. I wish there was an off button for my brain and a pause button for my life.
I’ve grown into bitterness.
My head is filled with poignant thoughts.
I’m refraining myself from further elaborating them.
For the aftermath is what I fear.
Sorry. I have been feeling such way to everyone the whole 22 years of my existence. Sparing people’s feelings is one of my favorite pastimes. Taking other people’s feelings into account when saying something has become a habit of mine. For once I just want to be spared. I want to be able to show my true feelings. I want to be allowed to be upset, mad, angry, and the list goes on. I want people to take my feelings into account. I want myself as well as my feelings to be considered. I want to be given the benefit of the doubt. I want to be understood. I want to be told “I know it hurts”. Is it too much to ask for? Gosh, I am only after all, human just like the rest of you.
I gave a special occasion speech earlier this morning during my Public Speaking class. My speech was under the category of farewell titled; Bidding Adieu.
“Growing up I came across with people whom I used to term my best friends. The intervals between one best friend to another or a group were big, which means I was in a friendship for quite some time before moving on to another friendships. Being a girl, you would get sentimental and shit when it comes to your best friends. You would tell each other that we would be friends till the end of time. Before you know it, there’s always a shortcoming in your friendship that you just cannot overlook and eventually breaks the bond that you had promised to hold dear for life.
The thing about the people with XX chromosomes is that they get envious over the most petty thing ever. Now I am not trying to give myself credit, but jealousy is simply not in my vocabulary. I cannot fathom jealousy. Ever. A simple jealousy which turned into a repugnant green eyed monster once ruined a friendship of mine. My so called best friend was envious of my academic performance and she thought I was trying to beat her ’cause she was always better than me in school until I decided to take matters into hand. That was the end of our five year friendship. Like I said, petty.
However, this particular friendship I had with a group of what used to be amazing people just recently ended. This bond I had with the girls was the one I treasured the most. The one I wished never would break. But, it did. It’s funny how you can go from wanting to be there when each and every one of you is conferred a bachelor’s degree to, I quote; You need me and my kind when you get sued. With that kind of attitude it’s going to be more than once. For now, mind your own business. And you thought to yourself, whoa! How did we get here? What went wrong? What happened to your problem is ours and ours is yours?
Now what happened between me and the aforementioned beings was not due to jealousy. Our lives and differences finally got the best of us. We just grew apart and before you know it, sue threats have been reciprocated. Change is inevitable and something that every living being has to go through, but you change for the better, not for the worse. I guess to them maintaining a facade that is doomed to end is pivotal than treasuring a nine year old friendship or sisterhood as we used to call it.
Just like Hitler, our friendship has gone under the sod. Regardless of what happened between us, I will forever appreciate whatever those people have done for me. May all the things told in confidence be buried along with our years of friendship. With this, I bid adieu.” -Ikha