“Think of a happy place” was something that was always jokingly said by Tess to herself when we were kids whenever I teasingly said something that’d hurt her kid feelings. I never really thought about the real meaning of it until I became an adult. It doesn’t really make you feel better. It just makes you want to go back to that particular time when everything was swell. Going through hardships countless of times doesn’t make you better at dealing them. There’s no such thing as getting used to it. It only debilitates you, to the point where you don’t even want to deal with it anymore. ‘Cos you’ve lost the will to do anything. The park in the photo doesn’t represent my “happy place”. It just takes me back to that afternoon when I went strolling around the park, enjoying the Fall with Tess, going about how we were lucky to be given the opportunity to visit other parts of the world. Thinking maybe this was the silver lining behind what felt like the longest predicament that was clouding our lives. Just how many clouds do we need to fly through to finally experience infinite happiness?
I had pretty solid goals up until the last couple of semesters of my undergrad. I was put into a realization where none of the goals I had was going to happen. Ever since, I pretty much have nothing to look forward to in life, not even my first job (if I’m lucky enough to land myself one). I’ve never felt this empty in my life, ever. I feel like the last four years of my life were nothing but a complete sham. I constantly get anxious thinking of my blurry future, so anxious that I’d developed gastritis. My body perpetually goes into the fight and flight mode, my heart rate increases, blood pools at the vessels around my face, I’d sweat profusely like I’d just competed in a marathon. I wake up everyday feeling worried and sad. My brain never sleeps. I don’t sleep. I keep brainstorming. Trying to figure out any hidden talents I may possess which would be of any use. Browsing the net looking for jobs that would require the knowledge I’d acquired from my overpriced tertiary education. And all anyone would ask is if I managed to get hired by any company. No one bothers to ask if I was doing well. If I was feeling okay. The funny thing is, I’d just recently completed my internship. I’m not even done with school yet. The average period of unemployment for fresh graduates is 6 months and I’m already being pestered as to when I’d get myself a job. I don’t think I can keep up with this fast paced life anymore. I never had a pause in my life. Right after high school, I went straight to college to do my foundation studies. A year and a month later, I started the first semester of my undergrad studies. Three years, three months and six days later, I’m being asked as to when I’d start working. I just want to take a break. From everything. I want to live a day without worrying about all of this. I wish there was an off button for my brain and a pause button for my life.
I’ve never really been the one to talk about marriages and settling down seriously. I just feel like I’m too young to even be thinking about it. Be that as it may, it’d be a lie for me to say that I’d never pictured myself being someone’s wife. Cooking meals for my future husband is my marriage wet dream. The thought of going grocery shopping and making the food in the kitchen, with my husband anticipating the meal just excites me. Imagine the yes-this-is-what-I’m-talking-about smile curving on his face after the first bite. What a total bliss that would be. Anyway, this is definitely one of the many things I’d look forward to if I were to settle down. Apart from the passionate lovemaking, of course.
I’ve grown into bitterness.
My head is filled with poignant thoughts.
I’m refraining myself from further elaborating them.
For the aftermath is what I fear.
Sorry. I have been feeling such way to everyone the whole 22 years of my existence. Sparing people’s feelings is one of my favorite pastimes. Taking other people’s feelings into account when saying something has become a habit of mine. For once I just want to be spared. I want to be able to show my true feelings. I want to be allowed to be upset, mad, angry, and the list goes on. I want people to take my feelings into account. I want myself as well as my feelings to be considered. I want to be given the benefit of the doubt. I want to be understood. I want to be told “I know it hurts”. Is it too much to ask for? Gosh, I am only after all, human just like the rest of you.
It has been ages since I last poured my soul out in words. A lot has happened over the past months. I found myself completely trapped in a Hotel California like slump for months which I received tremendous loathes and mockeries instead of support and encouragement from those who I consider or considered to be my people. I was perpetually depressed and hating on myself for feeling so useless. I sought after shoulders to cry on but as usual, everyone’s life was far more interesting than mine for anyone to take a minute and listen to my never ending crises. No matter how hard I’ve tried, it will never be enough. My decisions in life will always be according to my family’s convenience. My problems will always sound petty because everything is a bloody competition to everyone. Living is indeed, a formidable thing to do. Particularly when you’re not a heartless opportunist who constantly takes pleasure in utilizing other people’s abilities to satisfy your needs. Which is why I have decided to be more selective in doing favours for anyone and not end up like my generous father who perpetually finds himself mercilessly used by those who know him, from now on. I realized that I should’ve stuck to writing in journals rather than venting out to people who could give two shits about me and my so called petty problems. At the end of the day, it’s every man for himself. Innit?
It’s funny how all these years we have been breathing in the same air and living under the same sky, the same laws, going to the same places, walking the same paths, eating the same food, but never once encountered one another after our last. Never once didn’t I anticipate our future encounter every time I left the threshold of my home. I wonder if you did the same.